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Mum has started having this habit of ambushing me and trying to get me to reveal EVERYTHING about why I want to be a girl (which is a wrong interpretation - I am a girl, I just want my body to match a bit better); I have refused - partially because I've definitely told her multiple times that I'm not yet ready to talk about it, partially because she seems to want to crush my identity to suit her own views.
The below is a brief description of what happened the latest time, and my reaction.

[12:31:06 PM] Mia: so my mum has just stated
[12:31:24 PM] Mia: that no-one knows her as well as she does and she has VERY CLEARLY SEEN ME DEVELOP AS A BOY
[12:31:25 PM] Aron G.: Oh dear, is she stating things now?
[12:31:40 PM] Mia: AND THAT IN HER EXPERIENCE BOYS AND GIRLS ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT
[12:31:49 PM] Mia: and that she's SCARED I'M JUMPING ON A BANDWAGON

Even if it is a gay bandwagon with sparkles and rainbows and unicorns, I'm not actually jumping on it... I'm still my own person. I think her problem is that I'm not her person. Since she always knows best.

[12:32:09 PM] Aron G.: Since when is being transsexual a fucking bandwagon?
[12:32:17 PM] Mia: and that "NO ONE KNOWS YOU AS WELL AS I DO, THEY MAY BE ACCEPTING OF LOTS OF DIFFERENCES BUT THEY DON'T KNOW YOU AS A PERSON"
[12:32:23 PM] Mia: and i'm just sitting here fucking thinking
[12:32:29 PM] Mia: Mum, you've been out working
[12:32:36 PM] Mia: you've been the one who provides for the family

have to insert here that I do respect her for doing that, even if most of the time I was just pleased she was out. :/

[12:32:45 PM] Mia: you see me VERY rarely compared even to dad
[12:32:54 PM] Mia: because you're always out and when you're not I AVOID YOU
[12:33:03 PM] Mia: I HAVE DONE FOR THE LAST THIRTEEN YEARS

Beeeecause we don't get on usually, there being a history that starts with her yelling and usually ends with me in tears of anger and frustration.

[12:33:14 PM] Mia: and it's like
[12:33:16 PM] Mia: THESE PEOPLE
[12:33:21 PM] Mia: THEY /ONLY/ KNOW ME AS A PERSON
[12:33:36 PM] Mia: i'm just
[12:33:37 PM] Mia: really annoyed
[12:33:43 PM] Mia: by everything she's saying
[12:33:52 PM] Mia: and I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT WITH HER NOW
[12:33:54 PM] Aron G.: She sounds like a supreme douche.
[12:33:55 PM] Mia: I HAVE TOLD HER.
[12:34:04 PM] Mia: THAT I DON'T FEEL READY TO TALK ABOUT WHY I FEEL THIS WAY.
[12:34:10 PM] Mia: SHE INSISTS THAT I DO
[12:34:19 PM] Mia: NEXT TIME SHE TRIES TO CORNER ME LIKE SHE JUST DID
[12:34:23 PM] Mia: I WILL WALK OUT ON HER.
[12:34:40 PM] Mia: i mean i guess i'm already planning the supreme walk-out
[12:34:40 PM] Mia: but still
[12:34:44 PM] Mia: FUCK THAT
[12:34:52 PM] Mia: I WILL NOT PUT UP WITH THIS.
[12:36:05 PM] Aron G.: I'm trying to wrap my head around how transsexuality is this bandwagon cool thing that all the kids are doing nowadays. It's a severe disadvantage to go through transition in every way except getting closer to who you actually are.
[12:36:31 PM] Mia: yeah.
[12:36:45 PM] Mia: Except here she is saying that THAT'S NOT WHO YOU ACTUALLY ARE.
[12:36:57 PM] Mia: also do you mind if i quote you on my dreamwidth journal
[12:36:59 PM] Aron G.: Does she think people do this shit for fun?
[12:37:03 PM] Aron G.: No, I don't mind.
[12:37:12 PM] Mia: i think she thinks people do this shit because they're deluded
[12:38:23 PM] Aron G.: Like one day someone wakes up and is like "I feel female right now, I'm gonna go through years of jumping through gatekeeper hoops, hormonal replacements, electrolysis, and take a huge gamble on passing at the end of it. Maybe I'll do the reverse next week."
[12:38:29 PM] Mia: Yeah.
[12:40:26 PM] Aron G.: And then the idea that she knows you better than you do.
[12:40:48 PM] Aron G.: Just, never tell people you know them better than they know themselves. You will always be wrong, and you will usually be an asshole.


So basically, YAY, THANKS MUM. It's not worth telling you jack shit now, because you've made it abundantly clear that you don't think I should be identifying as a girl. She also did a whole thing where she was saying "You need to talk to us because we're a lot more experienced than you and very worldly and we don't want you doing anything rash."
Telling you was rash, Mum, and now I kind of wish I hadn't done it. At least I know more or less where she stands on the issue, I guess. And I'm really glad that me transitioning isn't at all dependent on her wishes now that I'm 18.

Yet again, I really need out of here. The whole YAY I'M REALLY HAPPY vs. I HATE LIFE thing? That's when Mum walks into the room, when Mum looks at me, when Mum says something to me. Because I'm scared she's going to do something rash that'll make me hate her even more than I do now.
I love her a lot, she is one of my parents. But she's also not particularly nice to have around constantly. Where Dad will get angry at you for something and then YELL A LOT and get over it so you can go back to having a balanced relationship inside of a week, Mum will YELL AT YOU and then calm down and seem fine and then pull you into her room and YELL AT YOU SOME MORE and then just keep doing that, bringing up all her same old arguments for EVERY THING I HAVE EVER DONE.

[1/27/2013 4:16:01 PM] Aron G.: Does she also do the thing where anything you say is "rude" but she's allowed to be as brash and sarcastic as she pleases?
[1/27/2013 4:16:11 PM] Mia: yes
[1/27/2013 4:16:15 PM] Mia: all the time
[1/27/2013 4:16:20 PM] Mia: "SPEAK NICELY TO YOUR MOTHER"
[1/27/2013 4:16:32 PM] Mia: "WELL YOU'RE NOT SPEAKING VERY FUCKING NICELY TO ME, I MUST SAY."

It's really hard to have a conversation with someone when they're allowed to be entirely rude to you and you just have to sit there and take it. Having a job where you deal with people like that is one thing, seeing as you can quit if it gets that bad, but having it as a lifetime position is another.

And throughout all this, the song I have stuck in my head is Mother Knows Best from Tangled. :/
 

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January 2013

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