malevolent_voices: (Default)
Mum has started having this habit of ambushing me and trying to get me to reveal EVERYTHING about why I want to be a girl (which is a wrong interpretation - I am a girl, I just want my body to match a bit better); I have refused - partially because I've definitely told her multiple times that I'm not yet ready to talk about it, partially because she seems to want to crush my identity to suit her own views.
The below is a brief description of what happened the latest time, and my reaction.

[12:31:06 PM] Mia: so my mum has just stated
[12:31:24 PM] Mia: that no-one knows her as well as she does and she has VERY CLEARLY SEEN ME DEVELOP AS A BOY
[12:31:25 PM] Aron G.: Oh dear, is she stating things now?
[12:31:40 PM] Mia: AND THAT IN HER EXPERIENCE BOYS AND GIRLS ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT
[12:31:49 PM] Mia: and that she's SCARED I'M JUMPING ON A BANDWAGON

Even if it is a gay bandwagon with sparkles and rainbows and unicorns, I'm not actually jumping on it... I'm still my own person. I think her problem is that I'm not her person. Since she always knows best.

[12:32:09 PM] Aron G.: Since when is being transsexual a fucking bandwagon?
[12:32:17 PM] Mia: and that "NO ONE KNOWS YOU AS WELL AS I DO, THEY MAY BE ACCEPTING OF LOTS OF DIFFERENCES BUT THEY DON'T KNOW YOU AS A PERSON"
[12:32:23 PM] Mia: and i'm just sitting here fucking thinking
[12:32:29 PM] Mia: Mum, you've been out working
[12:32:36 PM] Mia: you've been the one who provides for the family

have to insert here that I do respect her for doing that, even if most of the time I was just pleased she was out. :/

[12:32:45 PM] Mia: you see me VERY rarely compared even to dad
[12:32:54 PM] Mia: because you're always out and when you're not I AVOID YOU
[12:33:03 PM] Mia: I HAVE DONE FOR THE LAST THIRTEEN YEARS

Beeeecause we don't get on usually, there being a history that starts with her yelling and usually ends with me in tears of anger and frustration.

[12:33:14 PM] Mia: and it's like
[12:33:16 PM] Mia: THESE PEOPLE
[12:33:21 PM] Mia: THEY /ONLY/ KNOW ME AS A PERSON
[12:33:36 PM] Mia: i'm just
[12:33:37 PM] Mia: really annoyed
[12:33:43 PM] Mia: by everything she's saying
[12:33:52 PM] Mia: and I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT WITH HER NOW
[12:33:54 PM] Aron G.: She sounds like a supreme douche.
[12:33:55 PM] Mia: I HAVE TOLD HER.
[12:34:04 PM] Mia: THAT I DON'T FEEL READY TO TALK ABOUT WHY I FEEL THIS WAY.
[12:34:10 PM] Mia: SHE INSISTS THAT I DO
[12:34:19 PM] Mia: NEXT TIME SHE TRIES TO CORNER ME LIKE SHE JUST DID
[12:34:23 PM] Mia: I WILL WALK OUT ON HER.
[12:34:40 PM] Mia: i mean i guess i'm already planning the supreme walk-out
[12:34:40 PM] Mia: but still
[12:34:44 PM] Mia: FUCK THAT
[12:34:52 PM] Mia: I WILL NOT PUT UP WITH THIS.
[12:36:05 PM] Aron G.: I'm trying to wrap my head around how transsexuality is this bandwagon cool thing that all the kids are doing nowadays. It's a severe disadvantage to go through transition in every way except getting closer to who you actually are.
[12:36:31 PM] Mia: yeah.
[12:36:45 PM] Mia: Except here she is saying that THAT'S NOT WHO YOU ACTUALLY ARE.
[12:36:57 PM] Mia: also do you mind if i quote you on my dreamwidth journal
[12:36:59 PM] Aron G.: Does she think people do this shit for fun?
[12:37:03 PM] Aron G.: No, I don't mind.
[12:37:12 PM] Mia: i think she thinks people do this shit because they're deluded
[12:38:23 PM] Aron G.: Like one day someone wakes up and is like "I feel female right now, I'm gonna go through years of jumping through gatekeeper hoops, hormonal replacements, electrolysis, and take a huge gamble on passing at the end of it. Maybe I'll do the reverse next week."
[12:38:29 PM] Mia: Yeah.
[12:40:26 PM] Aron G.: And then the idea that she knows you better than you do.
[12:40:48 PM] Aron G.: Just, never tell people you know them better than they know themselves. You will always be wrong, and you will usually be an asshole.


So basically, YAY, THANKS MUM. It's not worth telling you jack shit now, because you've made it abundantly clear that you don't think I should be identifying as a girl. She also did a whole thing where she was saying "You need to talk to us because we're a lot more experienced than you and very worldly and we don't want you doing anything rash."
Telling you was rash, Mum, and now I kind of wish I hadn't done it. At least I know more or less where she stands on the issue, I guess. And I'm really glad that me transitioning isn't at all dependent on her wishes now that I'm 18.

Yet again, I really need out of here. The whole YAY I'M REALLY HAPPY vs. I HATE LIFE thing? That's when Mum walks into the room, when Mum looks at me, when Mum says something to me. Because I'm scared she's going to do something rash that'll make me hate her even more than I do now.
I love her a lot, she is one of my parents. But she's also not particularly nice to have around constantly. Where Dad will get angry at you for something and then YELL A LOT and get over it so you can go back to having a balanced relationship inside of a week, Mum will YELL AT YOU and then calm down and seem fine and then pull you into her room and YELL AT YOU SOME MORE and then just keep doing that, bringing up all her same old arguments for EVERY THING I HAVE EVER DONE.

[1/27/2013 4:16:01 PM] Aron G.: Does she also do the thing where anything you say is "rude" but she's allowed to be as brash and sarcastic as she pleases?
[1/27/2013 4:16:11 PM] Mia: yes
[1/27/2013 4:16:15 PM] Mia: all the time
[1/27/2013 4:16:20 PM] Mia: "SPEAK NICELY TO YOUR MOTHER"
[1/27/2013 4:16:32 PM] Mia: "WELL YOU'RE NOT SPEAKING VERY FUCKING NICELY TO ME, I MUST SAY."

It's really hard to have a conversation with someone when they're allowed to be entirely rude to you and you just have to sit there and take it. Having a job where you deal with people like that is one thing, seeing as you can quit if it gets that bad, but having it as a lifetime position is another.

And throughout all this, the song I have stuck in my head is Mother Knows Best from Tangled. :/
 

malevolent_voices: (Default)
So! Lots have things have changed in my life since my last post! LOTS of things!
My online-friends-met total currently stands at five, which is awesome! :D
I came out to my parents, which is awesome for one reason and has brought a baggage train of suck along with it as well. I'll get to that later.

Went to Australia, as most of you reading this no doubt know, to visit friends and relatives and stuff, Mum's shout. Which was good, seeing as I didn't have the money for it. At the same time, I also met up with Amy, Marcin and Jess, all of whom are just as awesome offline as online! Although Marcin doesn't pout nearly as much online. xD
We met up and had lunch and browsed shops and stuff a bit on one day, and on the second explored an interesting stage of the life cycle of the juvenile Australian Citizen on the other, following which we (again) had lunch and went to the beach. Where Amy and I built a sand castle in the shape of a penis while Marcin looked on horrified and Jess took a video, I think. Maybe. :p

That was all great, but then on the plane back yesterday Mum decided it would be a good time to talk about my sexuality with me, seeing as I couldn't escape. (And she wonders why I don't like talking to her much!) Anyway, the end result was that I found out that she's bi (apparently she knows this from what she called "first-hand experience", which was kinda mindblowing, considering she's my mum! xD) aaaand that she's outted me to Dad after I specifically asked her not to as I wasn't ready for him to know yet. At least he's cool with it.
By "it" I mean the fact that I also like boys. They know I'm transgendered, but they seem to want to persuade me out of it from what Mum's said so far. Which doesn't sound fun! But we haven't talked about it in any great depth yet, so I don't know exactly where they're planning to make their joint stand on that issue.

What Mum did take exception to was the fact that I was scared of her response and hid it from her - that, combined with every other thing I've ever hidden from her because I was scared of her response, has led her to declare that I'm unworthy of her trust (she's done this every time I've hidden from her so far, with worse consequences every time...) and that she doesn't feel that she can support me.
Add this to the one-credit-short fiasco from early January and she's decided it's not worth supporting me through university because she thinks the money would be a waste.
She has also accused me of constantly asking her for hand-outs, which is a lie. Considering that I was planning on getting through university without even thinking for a second that she was going to give me any money for it. Which is probably a good thing, seeing as she's not!

So basically, Australia was a brief reprieve before I get pushed into whatever-it-is Mum's decided would be the best path for me. She's also started asking me how I plan to pay back money for various things that I'd actually been told I didn't have to pay her back for! Which is nice.

All this combined has made me decide that it's probably better to go back to my initial plan... Which is to get a fulltime job for the year, if possible, and raise money to get into university next year as well as pay Mum back. My scholarship is valid for two years so it does work out, although I would have preferred to go to university this year.
I also need to move out. Not want, need. Because I really want to punch Mum in the face pretty much every time I see her looming in my doorway like some kind of bitchy harbinger of debt and depression. :/

So, I need to find a job and I need to find a place to live! But in the meantime I'm also going to try and persuade my school to let me try for the extra credit I missed next year, because then I can add being literate to my CV. Which would be nice!
Finding a job may be a bit problematic seeing as my interests in terms of jobs lie mainly in IT and I don't actually have any formal qualifications, seeing as I never took any IT. So, also on the list are free basic IT certification courses! If I have to get a department store job to survive, though, I will and I'll be happy about it.
Preferably I want a job at which I can transition socially to female, but NZ law says that as a trans person I do have to be given equal employment opportunities, so I guess it'll be okay most places??

But yeah, that's what life is being for me at the moment. While some of it sucks a lot, it is actually an opportunity I can use to get out of the same old cycle that I'm currently stuck in, so I guess that's good!
My life isn't the best, it isn't the worst, but I can definitely take it better places. Even if I do take more than two years before I go to university and lose out on the scholarship, if by that time I'm on the track I want to be? That's worth $2000 to me.

So in the end, I'm sitting in a place in between "WELL FUCK EVERYTHING" and "LIFE IS GOOD, LIFE IS GREAT 8D". Hopefully it heads more towards the latter. :p

 

I may make another post later if I've missed anything of importance, but I just wanted to share that with people!

Mum again

Feb. 5th, 2012 10:30 pm
malevolent_voices: (Default)
let's just say, to be quick, that I now have no idea whether I'm in high school or not. Because I was, then I wasn't and that was rather upsetting and then I was again and now I may or may not be.
Which means yay I'm even more angry with Mum than I usually am because she won't tell me! :D
And as usual it's not like I have any say in the matter.
Oh and also the Friday night thing still.
Happy, happy, happy!

EDIT: also I'm aware that I haven't replied to any of your comments on the other post I made - I was very happy to receive them and have in fact written replies to many of them but managed to lose them through dad resetting the router randomly at one point. <.

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