Good news!

Jan. 29th, 2013 05:48 pm
malevolent_voices: (Default)
The local high school has agreed to take me in for just English classes, solely for the one paper I need... Which means I can go to university this year!

The question is, do I want to? I'm starting to think it might be better either way to raise some money this year and then start university next year.
I would have more life experience going into uni and I'd also not be as reliant on my parents to pay my way through.
The other point is that if I do go to university this year and Mum pays, I'm going to feel obliged to stay at home and keep my end of the deal.
So we'll see what happens, considering that she has said that she doesn't feel she can justify supporting me through university...
It could just be something she said in the heat of the moment and will go back on later.

Again, life is confusing but it's at least heading in a good direction, I guess. xD

(short update today!)

malevolent_voices: (Default)
Everything is so confusing at the moment, which is why I'm trying to put up stuff I think is important as it happens. xD

So Dad has basically said "I know you must be feeling really shitty right now, but just think of this as a new beginning rather than a failure!"
And he's also saying that they should enrol me in the Certificate of University Preparation. Not only that, but he thinks that it's probably better than I did that before starting on a degree anyway as it would give me a Calculus certificate and open up access to other papers!

I still want to get away from home because things with Mum are the way they are, but I also don't want to spurn Dad and his good will towards actually getting me into university.
This Certificate of University Preparation is six months and he's suggesting I should spend the rest of that time working... If I can hold out for six months, maybe I can make my move after that? Because that's more or less what I was planning anyway, except I wouldn't have the money to pay for the CUP course this year.

I really don't know. xD
malevolent_voices: (Default)
I told Mum last time she ambushed me that if i was going to talk to her any more about myself, then it would be on my terms, when I choose, at my own pace and that her constantly going "YOU HAVE TO TELL ME RIGHT NOW" was just making me really annoyed with her.
She keeps looking like she's going to ask again but she hasn't said anything else about it yet?

So, not sure what's up.

Going to go try and talk to the lady who can confirm my eligibility for hormones this week! Or at least make an appointment to do so.
 


malevolent_voices: (Default)
Mum has started having this habit of ambushing me and trying to get me to reveal EVERYTHING about why I want to be a girl (which is a wrong interpretation - I am a girl, I just want my body to match a bit better); I have refused - partially because I've definitely told her multiple times that I'm not yet ready to talk about it, partially because she seems to want to crush my identity to suit her own views.
The below is a brief description of what happened the latest time, and my reaction.

[12:31:06 PM] Mia: so my mum has just stated
[12:31:24 PM] Mia: that no-one knows her as well as she does and she has VERY CLEARLY SEEN ME DEVELOP AS A BOY
[12:31:25 PM] Aron G.: Oh dear, is she stating things now?
[12:31:40 PM] Mia: AND THAT IN HER EXPERIENCE BOYS AND GIRLS ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT
[12:31:49 PM] Mia: and that she's SCARED I'M JUMPING ON A BANDWAGON

Even if it is a gay bandwagon with sparkles and rainbows and unicorns, I'm not actually jumping on it... I'm still my own person. I think her problem is that I'm not her person. Since she always knows best.

[12:32:09 PM] Aron G.: Since when is being transsexual a fucking bandwagon?
[12:32:17 PM] Mia: and that "NO ONE KNOWS YOU AS WELL AS I DO, THEY MAY BE ACCEPTING OF LOTS OF DIFFERENCES BUT THEY DON'T KNOW YOU AS A PERSON"
[12:32:23 PM] Mia: and i'm just sitting here fucking thinking
[12:32:29 PM] Mia: Mum, you've been out working
[12:32:36 PM] Mia: you've been the one who provides for the family

have to insert here that I do respect her for doing that, even if most of the time I was just pleased she was out. :/

[12:32:45 PM] Mia: you see me VERY rarely compared even to dad
[12:32:54 PM] Mia: because you're always out and when you're not I AVOID YOU
[12:33:03 PM] Mia: I HAVE DONE FOR THE LAST THIRTEEN YEARS

Beeeecause we don't get on usually, there being a history that starts with her yelling and usually ends with me in tears of anger and frustration.

[12:33:14 PM] Mia: and it's like
[12:33:16 PM] Mia: THESE PEOPLE
[12:33:21 PM] Mia: THEY /ONLY/ KNOW ME AS A PERSON
[12:33:36 PM] Mia: i'm just
[12:33:37 PM] Mia: really annoyed
[12:33:43 PM] Mia: by everything she's saying
[12:33:52 PM] Mia: and I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT WITH HER NOW
[12:33:54 PM] Aron G.: She sounds like a supreme douche.
[12:33:55 PM] Mia: I HAVE TOLD HER.
[12:34:04 PM] Mia: THAT I DON'T FEEL READY TO TALK ABOUT WHY I FEEL THIS WAY.
[12:34:10 PM] Mia: SHE INSISTS THAT I DO
[12:34:19 PM] Mia: NEXT TIME SHE TRIES TO CORNER ME LIKE SHE JUST DID
[12:34:23 PM] Mia: I WILL WALK OUT ON HER.
[12:34:40 PM] Mia: i mean i guess i'm already planning the supreme walk-out
[12:34:40 PM] Mia: but still
[12:34:44 PM] Mia: FUCK THAT
[12:34:52 PM] Mia: I WILL NOT PUT UP WITH THIS.
[12:36:05 PM] Aron G.: I'm trying to wrap my head around how transsexuality is this bandwagon cool thing that all the kids are doing nowadays. It's a severe disadvantage to go through transition in every way except getting closer to who you actually are.
[12:36:31 PM] Mia: yeah.
[12:36:45 PM] Mia: Except here she is saying that THAT'S NOT WHO YOU ACTUALLY ARE.
[12:36:57 PM] Mia: also do you mind if i quote you on my dreamwidth journal
[12:36:59 PM] Aron G.: Does she think people do this shit for fun?
[12:37:03 PM] Aron G.: No, I don't mind.
[12:37:12 PM] Mia: i think she thinks people do this shit because they're deluded
[12:38:23 PM] Aron G.: Like one day someone wakes up and is like "I feel female right now, I'm gonna go through years of jumping through gatekeeper hoops, hormonal replacements, electrolysis, and take a huge gamble on passing at the end of it. Maybe I'll do the reverse next week."
[12:38:29 PM] Mia: Yeah.
[12:40:26 PM] Aron G.: And then the idea that she knows you better than you do.
[12:40:48 PM] Aron G.: Just, never tell people you know them better than they know themselves. You will always be wrong, and you will usually be an asshole.


So basically, YAY, THANKS MUM. It's not worth telling you jack shit now, because you've made it abundantly clear that you don't think I should be identifying as a girl. She also did a whole thing where she was saying "You need to talk to us because we're a lot more experienced than you and very worldly and we don't want you doing anything rash."
Telling you was rash, Mum, and now I kind of wish I hadn't done it. At least I know more or less where she stands on the issue, I guess. And I'm really glad that me transitioning isn't at all dependent on her wishes now that I'm 18.

Yet again, I really need out of here. The whole YAY I'M REALLY HAPPY vs. I HATE LIFE thing? That's when Mum walks into the room, when Mum looks at me, when Mum says something to me. Because I'm scared she's going to do something rash that'll make me hate her even more than I do now.
I love her a lot, she is one of my parents. But she's also not particularly nice to have around constantly. Where Dad will get angry at you for something and then YELL A LOT and get over it so you can go back to having a balanced relationship inside of a week, Mum will YELL AT YOU and then calm down and seem fine and then pull you into her room and YELL AT YOU SOME MORE and then just keep doing that, bringing up all her same old arguments for EVERY THING I HAVE EVER DONE.

[1/27/2013 4:16:01 PM] Aron G.: Does she also do the thing where anything you say is "rude" but she's allowed to be as brash and sarcastic as she pleases?
[1/27/2013 4:16:11 PM] Mia: yes
[1/27/2013 4:16:15 PM] Mia: all the time
[1/27/2013 4:16:20 PM] Mia: "SPEAK NICELY TO YOUR MOTHER"
[1/27/2013 4:16:32 PM] Mia: "WELL YOU'RE NOT SPEAKING VERY FUCKING NICELY TO ME, I MUST SAY."

It's really hard to have a conversation with someone when they're allowed to be entirely rude to you and you just have to sit there and take it. Having a job where you deal with people like that is one thing, seeing as you can quit if it gets that bad, but having it as a lifetime position is another.

And throughout all this, the song I have stuck in my head is Mother Knows Best from Tangled. :/
 

malevolent_voices: (Default)
So! Lots have things have changed in my life since my last post! LOTS of things!
My online-friends-met total currently stands at five, which is awesome! :D
I came out to my parents, which is awesome for one reason and has brought a baggage train of suck along with it as well. I'll get to that later.

Went to Australia, as most of you reading this no doubt know, to visit friends and relatives and stuff, Mum's shout. Which was good, seeing as I didn't have the money for it. At the same time, I also met up with Amy, Marcin and Jess, all of whom are just as awesome offline as online! Although Marcin doesn't pout nearly as much online. xD
We met up and had lunch and browsed shops and stuff a bit on one day, and on the second explored an interesting stage of the life cycle of the juvenile Australian Citizen on the other, following which we (again) had lunch and went to the beach. Where Amy and I built a sand castle in the shape of a penis while Marcin looked on horrified and Jess took a video, I think. Maybe. :p

That was all great, but then on the plane back yesterday Mum decided it would be a good time to talk about my sexuality with me, seeing as I couldn't escape. (And she wonders why I don't like talking to her much!) Anyway, the end result was that I found out that she's bi (apparently she knows this from what she called "first-hand experience", which was kinda mindblowing, considering she's my mum! xD) aaaand that she's outted me to Dad after I specifically asked her not to as I wasn't ready for him to know yet. At least he's cool with it.
By "it" I mean the fact that I also like boys. They know I'm transgendered, but they seem to want to persuade me out of it from what Mum's said so far. Which doesn't sound fun! But we haven't talked about it in any great depth yet, so I don't know exactly where they're planning to make their joint stand on that issue.

What Mum did take exception to was the fact that I was scared of her response and hid it from her - that, combined with every other thing I've ever hidden from her because I was scared of her response, has led her to declare that I'm unworthy of her trust (she's done this every time I've hidden from her so far, with worse consequences every time...) and that she doesn't feel that she can support me.
Add this to the one-credit-short fiasco from early January and she's decided it's not worth supporting me through university because she thinks the money would be a waste.
She has also accused me of constantly asking her for hand-outs, which is a lie. Considering that I was planning on getting through university without even thinking for a second that she was going to give me any money for it. Which is probably a good thing, seeing as she's not!

So basically, Australia was a brief reprieve before I get pushed into whatever-it-is Mum's decided would be the best path for me. She's also started asking me how I plan to pay back money for various things that I'd actually been told I didn't have to pay her back for! Which is nice.

All this combined has made me decide that it's probably better to go back to my initial plan... Which is to get a fulltime job for the year, if possible, and raise money to get into university next year as well as pay Mum back. My scholarship is valid for two years so it does work out, although I would have preferred to go to university this year.
I also need to move out. Not want, need. Because I really want to punch Mum in the face pretty much every time I see her looming in my doorway like some kind of bitchy harbinger of debt and depression. :/

So, I need to find a job and I need to find a place to live! But in the meantime I'm also going to try and persuade my school to let me try for the extra credit I missed next year, because then I can add being literate to my CV. Which would be nice!
Finding a job may be a bit problematic seeing as my interests in terms of jobs lie mainly in IT and I don't actually have any formal qualifications, seeing as I never took any IT. So, also on the list are free basic IT certification courses! If I have to get a department store job to survive, though, I will and I'll be happy about it.
Preferably I want a job at which I can transition socially to female, but NZ law says that as a trans person I do have to be given equal employment opportunities, so I guess it'll be okay most places??

But yeah, that's what life is being for me at the moment. While some of it sucks a lot, it is actually an opportunity I can use to get out of the same old cycle that I'm currently stuck in, so I guess that's good!
My life isn't the best, it isn't the worst, but I can definitely take it better places. Even if I do take more than two years before I go to university and lose out on the scholarship, if by that time I'm on the track I want to be? That's worth $2000 to me.

So in the end, I'm sitting in a place in between "WELL FUCK EVERYTHING" and "LIFE IS GOOD, LIFE IS GREAT 8D". Hopefully it heads more towards the latter. :p

 

I may make another post later if I've missed anything of importance, but I just wanted to share that with people!

malevolent_voices: (Default)
 I'm a geek, yes. I build computers and robots, I carry a laptop around with me full time. I had a USB drive in my pocket when I went to a school social once.

For some reason this has made a large number of the guys at school come up to me and ask "Would you have sex with a robot?" or "Are you going to make an army of robot sex slaves for yourself?"
I'm not sure what answer they're expecting, but I usually just answer "No."

But I got kind of annoyed at being asked this so often so the last person to ask me that got a good five minute lecture actually explaining to him my reasoning for those answers and why I think that robot sex slaves are actually going to become an unfortunate reality at some point in the near future. 
This is some of what I said, if anyone's interested.
Read more... )

So, that's my view on this. What's yours?

malevolent_voices: (Default)
 Today was mixed for me. I had a lot of fun during it, but towards the end I started getting rather down because what's been practically my only out-of-school social activity (such as it was) is cancelled indefinitely for me. Rather, it's been moved to Saturday afternoons from Friday nights, which doesn't work for me because I've got no reliable transport on Saturdays. So, yeah, there was that.
Thomas also somehow won tickets to the new Pokémon movie so I'm going to see that tomorrow with him and our other friend, Peter!
Also, in Classics my teacher commented that there are other plays than those by Aristophanes that he would like to teach, but NZQA won't let him because they are "too adult". So instead, we have Philocleon (with his donkey fetish), a bunch of democratic prostitutes, Philoxenus, a couple of slaves and Bdelycleon the argumentative party animal to give not-so-subtle commentary on how Cleon was a really bad leader to have when the Spartans were about to invade. And make dick jokes the whole way through.

Anyway! The Argentina trip is coming up soon - end of March! - so we have been practicing the haka (a traditional... war dance, I suppose? that the Maori do to impress each other when they go to visit other tribes) and learning various songs to sing to the Argentinians we'll be visiting. And there will be a blog, which I am in charge of, so I will link to that at some point! (Also Kelly if you're reading this, are you able to set up wordpress on a subdomain called argentina for me? I was going to call you about it earlier but hey!)

I've also been reading 1984 again and am again finding the parallels between Orwell's guesses and what's actually happening now rather creepy. I might write more about this later when I've got to the end of it again.

My only other piece of... news is that I may or may not have accidentally signed up to be the singer for some covers of Jethro Tull songs. This may or may not come up later. XD

That's all, folks!

... or rather, that was all, folks! Because I wasn't actually able to post this last night you now get tacked-on complaint about how I never actually get to post anything on Friday anyway. XD
Also, the Mario Bros. vs the Wright Brothers. Worth listening to!
And this being Saturday evening, I have been to see the Pokemon movie. It was basically a laugh-fest most of the way through, though Victini genuinely moved me and the end song and opening song were both really cool. I recommend that you guys watch it if you can!

Aaaand I've been given an accidental warning that the net's going soon, so this is getting posted immediately after I finish this sentence and type XD. XD

EDIT: This is a school haka here. Whoever uploaded it displays the standard Year 11 Maori mentality towards competition. They were also from Tait house. XD
I'm on the back right of the house with all the Maoris.
 

malevolent_voices: (Default)

So today I made the bus on time (:D!) and also didn't get detention for the other times I missed the bus (8D)!

This is due to a mishap in the school filing system that had them put me down as having an explained absence for Thursday, thereby enabling me to use my undated note for Thursday to cover Friday instead, even though Dad had decided not to give me a note for that. XD

I've found that for the first two weeks of school I've been able to evade the not-being-online-except-Fridays rule because I've had very little homework and have completed all of that along with additional study, though I don't know how long that'll last. I will make the most of it while it lasts, though!

 

Extra, Extra! A cut! )

 


Still not sure how I got from one topic to the other, but hey! Enjoy!

Also I've been listening to a lot of this guy's ukulele covers of things and am really liking him!
malevolent_voices: (Default)
If you look at the tags and still want to read this (and probably you will because it's not that bad or anything!) then ;D to you! In all seriousness, I'm basically putting it under one of these because it's not important and because revolves around a hyper-masculine old person clinging to the underside of a donkey. :P

malevolent_voices: (Default)
 I feel a bit bad about the first two entries here being sort of... well, you know what I mean if you actually read them. Mainly complaints about my mother and me being worried and confused. XD;
So here is a bit of finality:
1. Staying at school for now! :D
   This is because I managed to persuade the school to let me take a subject (Statistics w/ Modelling) that will enable me to get into the degree I want to in university.  This means I get to go to Argentina after all - $5000 not wasted! 8D
2. Waikato Uni has said they'll accept me even if I can't get all the credits (which will only be due to time restrictions in the exams, if at all) as long as I can prove that I know what I need to know. And it's not like the 18 Maths credits required for it are particularly hard to obtain anyway.

and now other things!

I also have the chance to do the Computing 103 Paper online this year so that's awesome, a head start - just need to persuade the teachers into letting me do it. But the teachers that I need to persuade are the same ones that just requested I re-do the logo of our school as a vector graphic without the pixellated edges that all of the current copies have, so I may try and bargain with them on that. :P

Classics is really, really awesome - the teacher is possibly the most interesting to listen to at the school (which I of course can't name because this is a public blog etc) aside from maybe the Spanish teacher. I'm going to try and get permission from him to record his lessons so if you're interested you can listen to his classes. For reference, when the teacher enters the class no-one talks. Not a syllable until the end of the period, at which point everyone lines up to ask him questions and discuss things. And it's not like he's banned us from talking, he's just that interesting. XD

And the Spanish teacher - "If they don't shut up and start speaking spanish then I will get you to sing all period. Yes?" XD
For those of you who know Misheard Whisper (probably everyone following me at this point! *is predictably not famous at all* :D), he is also in this class, which makes it twice as fun.

Electronics is cool so far; we're programming some robots based on something called "stamp bs2" which runs PBASIC code, a derivative of BASIC. The only hard thing about the subject - at all - is how painfully slow the computers are. They're running Windows XP using Novell to connect to Windows Server 2003 - on 128 MB of RAM. The minimum recommended RAM for XP happens to be 513 MB.
Since the RAM is all old SDRAM I'll probably just take a box of that in and install it in the computers so we actually get more work done. XD;
Luckily I can run all the things I need off my laptop, so that's not such a priority yet!

Physics is great so far but I don't have much to say about it yet. XD


Then I have also had cool stuff arrive from overseas which I am happy with... MW and I will probably finally be cosplaying this year at Armageddon. XD
I've started recording some covers of some songs while I have time before school ramps up and starts getting difficult, so you guys may see these on here at some point soon. Expect a bunch of them to have the same four chords as each other. :P

Anyway that's about it for now!
oh, one last thing: it seems that my new irc username is dammit_bay. XD

EDIT: Also I don't know how to add breaks so my posts may be quite... prominent on the Reading page. If this bothers you and you know how to add breaks, do tell. XP

Mum again

Feb. 5th, 2012 10:30 pm
malevolent_voices: (Default)
let's just say, to be quick, that I now have no idea whether I'm in high school or not. Because I was, then I wasn't and that was rather upsetting and then I was again and now I may or may not be.
Which means yay I'm even more angry with Mum than I usually am because she won't tell me! :D
And as usual it's not like I have any say in the matter.
Oh and also the Friday night thing still.
Happy, happy, happy!

EDIT: also I'm aware that I haven't replied to any of your comments on the other post I made - I was very happy to receive them and have in fact written replies to many of them but managed to lose them through dad resetting the router randomly at one point. <.

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